DAY 40: Last Call...Loneliness

The room grew still as the pitter patter of applause cut through the dark silence. The pastor had just said my name and all eyes turned to find me on the front row of the 1,200-seat sanctuary. It was the early morning service which boasted a smaller/more intimate crowd than the other two that would follow throughout the day, but I knew that this moment was simply a precursor to the exact same ritual that would come during the announcement period at each of the subsequent services. So I followed through with the obligatory stand, wave and smile as he shared the wonderful news of my first book signing in between services in the lobby and encouraged the congregation’s support of my work. It was truly a unique and memorable way for me to spend Valentine’s Day.

As the applause died down and the focus went on to the next announcement, I took my seat and felt a profound emptiness overtake me. Hundreds of people surrounded me and yet I suddenly could feel nothing but sadness as I realized that I was celebrating this great accomplishment alone. I had friends coming throughout the day to assist with my book sales and church family who were excited and supportive, but that was not the point. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but the feeling lingered as I tried to just be happy about the day and the moment but struggled instead with feelings of extreme loneliness. Here I was, surrounded by people, and I had never felt so alone. Overwhelmed, I excused myself to the lady’s room thinking “Congratulations to me…” and cried. 

The idea of being alone in a crowd began to follow me the next couple of years.

And so goes the start to the book on LONELINESS that I've been writing for a couple of years now. Every time that I get started, I stop short of moving completely forward. Like most of the sermons I preach and words that I've written in the past, the words on the page come from the heart of my experiences and that is not always a comfortable place to share from. It's not easy to broadcast that life is not always what we would hope it to be.

But that's how we overcome and keep moving, right? The last 39 days have been all about walking through some of the negative emotions that have tripped me up, and it definitely hasn't been easy. The enemy would take the difficulty of testifying and use it to make us feel isolated--unseen, unheard, and un-cared for. However, in the end, I know that the more we share our testimonies of faith, the more we overcome. The more that we live transparently, the more we can hope that God receives the glory. This season of Lent has been a season of purging and processing--preparing me for the work of the Lord more and more. Tonight, I was reminded of Hebrews 12:1 that says that we are 'surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses' so we should 'throw off everything that hinders us and so easily entangles us and run our race with perseverance'. We are not alone in the spirit, we are surrounded.

I recognize that that lonely feeling is not about who is around you. It's not about your level of accomplishment. It's not about being single or married. It's about feeling full or empty, feeling valued or lost. You need to know (and remind yourself) that, though your heart feel the emptiness of loneliness at times, you are not alone. Remember that you are surrounded by a "great cloud" and that, even though you may be feeling alone in a crowd, you are not. You're not the only one who is contrary, doubting, angry, apathetic and more with a splash of joy thrown in for good measure. WE are in this together. But, even greater than that, God's got your back. When no earthly "company" feels like enough, he's there guiding, pushing and carrying you through your race. In all, I hope that it is that fact that will somehow resonate with you and help you keep running just one more step.

Though you may feel it at times...you may feel the hollowness of isolation, know that God has a "cloud of witnesses" standing with you at all times as you shake off all that may hinder you so you can continue with perseverance.

Be encouraged,
Pastor Andrea