DAY 40: Last Call...Loneliness

The room grew still as the pitter patter of applause cut through the dark silence. The pastor had just said my name and all eyes turned to find me on the front row of the 1,200-seat sanctuary. It was the early morning service which boasted a smaller/more intimate crowd than the other two that would follow throughout the day, but I knew that this moment was simply a precursor to the exact same ritual that would come during the announcement period at each of the subsequent services. So I followed through with the obligatory stand, wave and smile as he shared the wonderful news of my first book signing in between services in the lobby and encouraged the congregation’s support of my work. It was truly a unique and memorable way for me to spend Valentine’s Day.

As the applause died down and the focus went on to the next announcement, I took my seat and felt a profound emptiness overtake me. Hundreds of people surrounded me and yet I suddenly could feel nothing but sadness as I realized that I was celebrating this great accomplishment alone. I had friends coming throughout the day to assist with my book sales and church family who were excited and supportive, but that was not the point. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but the feeling lingered as I tried to just be happy about the day and the moment but struggled instead with feelings of extreme loneliness. Here I was, surrounded by people, and I had never felt so alone. Overwhelmed, I excused myself to the lady’s room thinking “Congratulations to me…” and cried. 

The idea of being alone in a crowd began to follow me the next couple of years.

And so goes the start to the book on LONELINESS that I've been writing for a couple of years now. Every time that I get started, I stop short of moving completely forward. Like most of the sermons I preach and words that I've written in the past, the words on the page come from the heart of my experiences and that is not always a comfortable place to share from. It's not easy to broadcast that life is not always what we would hope it to be.

But that's how we overcome and keep moving, right? The last 39 days have been all about walking through some of the negative emotions that have tripped me up, and it definitely hasn't been easy. The enemy would take the difficulty of testifying and use it to make us feel isolated--unseen, unheard, and un-cared for. However, in the end, I know that the more we share our testimonies of faith, the more we overcome. The more that we live transparently, the more we can hope that God receives the glory. This season of Lent has been a season of purging and processing--preparing me for the work of the Lord more and more. Tonight, I was reminded of Hebrews 12:1 that says that we are 'surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses' so we should 'throw off everything that hinders us and so easily entangles us and run our race with perseverance'. We are not alone in the spirit, we are surrounded.

I recognize that that lonely feeling is not about who is around you. It's not about your level of accomplishment. It's not about being single or married. It's about feeling full or empty, feeling valued or lost. You need to know (and remind yourself) that, though your heart feel the emptiness of loneliness at times, you are not alone. Remember that you are surrounded by a "great cloud" and that, even though you may be feeling alone in a crowd, you are not. You're not the only one who is contrary, doubting, angry, apathetic and more with a splash of joy thrown in for good measure. WE are in this together. But, even greater than that, God's got your back. When no earthly "company" feels like enough, he's there guiding, pushing and carrying you through your race. In all, I hope that it is that fact that will somehow resonate with you and help you keep running just one more step.

Though you may feel it at times...you may feel the hollowness of isolation, know that God has a "cloud of witnesses" standing with you at all times as you shake off all that may hinder you so you can continue with perseverance.

Be encouraged,
Pastor Andrea

Day 38: Yep...A Plank In My Eye

I've decided that one of the most pitiful, "something's not right here" sights I've seen in a long while (next to a pretty, well-dressed, grown woman cursing like a sailor) was a grown Christian person pouting the other day because they didn't get their way. They wanted something that a child wanted as well, and the other adults in the room all agreed that the child should have it. So when the child got it, I swear I saw the bottom lip of this grown person begin to tremble. And it wouldn't have been so bad except that today, I caught myself having a conversation with God and making the very same face as I pouted over an unfulfilled prayer request...Ouch...Busted!

Talk about getting convicted! I was so quick to see this person's pout as inappropriate and "not right", but in my own moment of childish splendor I forgot all about my stance with a quickness. How quickly we forget... In my self-righteousness I thought that I had moved past acting like a child. Yet, what I've seen to be true over and over again is that I'm no better than anyone else. And God surely reminds me of this gently every now and again for sure.

I'm a good person for the most part, but not above being duped by self-righteousness and judgement. Truly these character flaws are so slippery. Like many things in my Christian faith, I have come to realize that I've got it down pat when it comes to the big things. I try not to judge people's life decisions, styles, or even their basic decision to become or not become a Christian. All of those are the big things--for which I find myself unfailingly tolerant and patient. But an air of self-righteousness sneaks in when I least expect it and see the small things that I may have "conquered" (or think I have) playing out in those around me. It's that moment when you look at your ex's current love interest (even though you don't want him/her any more) and think that they could've done better with you; or the time you watch another parent fail to get their child to behave in the supermarket line while yours is the picture of obedience (that day/moment). It's the time that we make (what we think are harmless) jokes about people's vocabulary choices; or when you watch the person who got a raise at work make a silly error that you feel you never would have made.

I try my best to not experience these moments. However, just when I think I have it together, God shows me a new example and quickly puts me in my place. It's just like the scripture says, "Those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted." (Luke 18:14) Or even like what I've heard preachers say...that if you point your finger at someone, you must be careful because there are three more pointing back at you. We are admonished to deal with our own stuff before worrying about someone else's problems (Matthew 7:3); and today I'm just reminded that that means you have to diligently and daily be looking at yourself so as not to slip idly into that place of judgement.

That said, today's your chance to do a self-check. What have you been watching, thinking, doing that (even in small ways) exalts you over another person? Where have you allowed hints of self-righteousness to show themselves in your life? Today I want to encourage you that those hints don't have to remain. As we walk this Christian journey, we have a new chance each day to commit our negative minds to God, repent and allow the power of the Holy Spirit to convict us each of sin, righteousness, and judgement (John 16:8). So today...take the chance...

Be encouraged,
Pastor Andrea

DAY 34: Fight Fire With Fire

Have you ever felt like things are falling down all around you and like your efforts to help seem to have little affect? Perhaps you feel like you've been in a season where life is simply one fire after the next and you're exhausted in trying to put them out at every turn. The fatigue has brought on plain old discouragement and made you want to turn in the towel. It's those times when you look up and wonder "why bother?" The fires of your life have been ignited and you don't know where to begin. You wonder if it's worth it to even put the effort in. It gets easy to allow discouragement to take over and be the winner of those internal arguments you have with yourself--stealing away all of your confidence and enthusiasm for the fight. However, it's time for a new winner to step up to the plate--PERSEVERANCE.

Discouragement tell us to sit back and watch life go by. Perseverance says sitting idle is no longer an option. Discouragement says we don't care (or at least are pretending to). Perseverance says we care enough to put our best foot forward. Discouragement says sit this one out. Perseverance says get in the game. It's a battle of our will and our flesh at times versus what we know to be good and what we know to be the best. Discouragement tends to be the easy way out that challenges us slightly and pays off little while perseverance has the better payoff for the higher challenge. The very definition of perseverance says it all:  persistence in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success and withstanding discouragement.

It's not easy to set aside what is easy for what may be hard and not provide instant gratification. It's not comfortable to actually fight hard for what you believe in and what you want out of life. But it is the essence of our faith when we are willing to trust in what may be delayed. It is the essence of sacrifice when we do something despite difficulty. And today, God is reminding us that, in lieu of great discouragement, there is great JOY in choosing to actively participate in life and trials and tribulations and weather the delays and difficulties. At our moments of greatest discouragement, we have to choose to fight fire with the fire of the Word of God that reminds us to "Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" (Psalm 27:14) Allow the slow burn of verses like James 1 bring us courage when they tell us that testing and trials are exactly what produce perseverance and that it's perseverance that does the work in us to make sure that we are "lacking nothing". You may feel as though you've given all that you can and that you have not more strength to continue on. It can feel as though life has taken so much away and that the tests and the trials have been too costly. But be encouraged that what they have taken does not compare to what God will restore. He is promising to complete his work in you. He is assuring us of his commitment to this very thing. I don't know about you, but when it's all said and done in this life, I want to leave lacking nothing.

Where have you been the most discouraged in your heart and in your spirit? What are you hesitating to do? What are you feeling God say that you have been cautious about getting in the fight? Where have you allowed fear and mistrust to zap you of your energy to fight? Today can be the day that you regain that energy to persevere and fight. It's a simple decision to "count it all joy" and let those trials and testings finish their good work in you. Though it may not be comfortable and may not feel good, today is the day that you can jump in with both feet so as not to miss a thing. It is my prayer that discouragement has no place in the decisions you make for your life and that perseverance does it's great work in your life so that you too will end lacking nothing.

Be encouraged,
Pastor Andrea

DAY 33: He's Got You

There's no other feeling like the one that God has forgotten you. I'm not sure what the emotion word would be to express the feeling of being lost or perhaps neglected. The one word that seems to make the most sense is FORSAKEN. I just felt the need to write today a brief reminder that you have not been forsaken. I realize that it's easy for me to say and harder to believe. However, there really are some things that you need to take at face value. This promise is one of them. There are a few things that God says over and over and over again throughout the Bible. For instance, there are so many references to "do not fear" or to "be courageous". Similarly, there are many notations throughout God's Word that says that he will never leave you or forsake you. Earlier, I was reminded of two of my favorite scriptures that constantly keep that before me: Isaiah 42:16 and 49:16. The point of them both? God has not forgotten you. Just like people write things on their hands in an effort to remember them, God has permanently engraved your name on the palm of his hand so that you know that you are always at the top of his thoughts.

It's easy to feel like you are on the road to nowhere all by yourself. You can't see what's coming next, but just remember that that is the essence of faith--trusting in what you can't see and what you can't figure out. It's possible that you're in one of those situations where you can't lean on your own understanding (Prov 3:5-6) and have to fully trust in the Lord. Maybe you've stepped out on the proverbial water like Peter and you are searching for Christ to be out there with you. Or maybe you're trying to find the courage to try something completely different or new. While your hesitation in moving forward may be normal, it is not necessary. God is ready to walk with you, behind you, in front of you and carry you as the situation may require.

As you feel troubles and distress coming at you on every side, today, be reminded that God has you in the palm of His hand. He has not forgotten you. And, though you can't see the path clearly, just know that God is leading the way.

Be encouraged,
Pastor Andrea

DAY 23: Thought I Was Good...Until I Wasn't...

I was wondering what I would write about today. Today was a good day. I felt like I handled things fine and that no new negative issues came out of me. I also didn't interact with someone where I saw something negative glaring out at me. Like I said, it was a good day. So I sat down to pray about it and got distracted by instagram. Yes...I allowed the allure of the "you've got mail/notifications" draw my attention. As I ran through some of photos of the day, I stopped at one of a lady in her wedding dress and thought to myself how I could never afford such a beautiful, extravagant dress or gorgeous photographs but wishing deeply that I could. In that small moment of nothingingness the word ENVY crossed my heart.

Wow! How quickly had I gone from feeling like I was doing good to realizing that, even in my "goodness", I was still not alright. Now, don't get me wrong, this is not about condemnation. I fully understand what it says in Romans 8 that there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ. Finding the roots of negative feelings/emotions/behaviors in my and others' lives is not about pointing fingers or chastising any of us. But what I believe is that words and thoughts have power. So like what happened today, it would have been so easy for me to get fully distracted by that longing for what I feel like I couldn't/don't have (as per the definition of envy). We must remember that what distracts us can also be what delays us. What distracts us can be the thing that holds us back from truly accomplishing what God wants for us because we are so focused on idolizing the accomplishments and blessings of others.

In fact, the Bible says that envy is one of the "evil things" that "defile a person" (Mark 7:22-23) and that "envy makes bones rot" (Proverbs 14:30). This is not simply about being jealous and hating on someone else and thinking that you deserve what they have more, but instead coveting what they have and putting your soul in danger of a fate that doesn't seem to appealing to most. I don't know about you, but the thought of being defiled or rotten is simply not a good thing to me. So, when I take a moment to acknowledge these moments of envy, then I can stop it in its tracks. Saying "don't envy" is not saying "don't dream". Instead it's saying that you keep your dreams flowing in the right direction. When envy shows itself, I can commit that desire of my heart to the Lord and hope that my desire lines up with God's. I can ask God to change my heart towards the things that make his heart beat. Most importantly, I can redirect my distracted focus back where it should be--on the Father.

You likely aren't envious of a silly fluffy white dress or the eye of a good photographer capturing "your good side" as I. You may desire more money, a thinner body, a buffer body, a different professional opportunity, a different social opportunity...no matter what your thing is, know that I'm praying with and for you that God would take full control of your focus and full control of your dreams on this day.

Be encouraged,
Pastor Andrea